February 2024

Official lent posting:

Today was a day of preparation. With Lent starting today, I needed to prepare myself for this journaling part of it. Forgiveness isn't easy for me. It might be a long 40 days working on myself.

I had a lot of pain today, with emotional up and downs. 

The pain is, of course, in my lower back - and now that hip pain. It hurts to even touch it - bilaterally! My wrists have also started to hurt. I am supposed to see Dr Murphy tomorrow about the cognitive issues. Monday afternoon, I was running a few errands and twice I hit the gas instead of the brake. I have always SMH at those articles that report the little old lady that drove her car into the business because she hit the gas instead of the brake. Some reports even ended in serious injury and or death. Who does that? I have plenty of medical issues, and just recently have been more vocal about the cognitive side of things. I don't know why I didn't ask for help sooner. Even though my disability was approved this year, I still had the desire to appear "normal". People have even commented me looking good when I do my make-up and look nice. The sad thing is - those are the days that are the hardest. I think I make myself look good on the outside when I am not good on the inside. We will have to work on this.

Tonight Cara invited me to join her and the family at La Cantina. I was already in my PJs, but got dressed and went. I know I had at my desk - in the US and in Mexico. I need to stop isolating myself. One day at a time.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

February 15, 2024 (16th early am)

The 15th was a good day I don't feel like I was productive, but things started moving in the right direction.

Saw my doctor today. She added another depression medication (it really has been a bad few months being depressed - I start a new therapist next week also). She also increased my insulin shot since my sugars have been bad. We discussed that insurance denied the MRI, and she knows what is needed for insurance to approve it - she ordered an X-ray and physical therapy. Then we did an injection into my hip area because it also has been flared up. We are also going to do a new sleep study to see if the weight loss has helped. Lots of activity today.

Unfortunately things in Mexico are not the best. Javier's sister Marta is in the hospital again and might not make it. Javier was supposed to head back to Iowa and be here Saturday. He is going to stay an extra few days. I told him that Chino and I can pickup boxes for a few days, and that seemed to ease his mind. He still sounds like the cold he has is sounding awful and I don't want him driving 30+ hours like that.

February 18, 2024  (19th early am)

What a weird couple of days this has been. Staci flew in on the 15th - I picked her up and she stayed with me for the night. Friday we with her cousin to surprise her grandma. It was nice seeing her sober. I know this has been hard on her, but she seems very committed to staying sober. Friday also came with the news that Javier's sister did pass. So he is going to stay as long as he can. Chino and I will pick up boxes until he comes home. I think he is planning to leaving Tuesday night, so he can be here on Thursday. With him being gone a little longer, I decided to declutter the house and rearrange my office. My back is absolutely killing me. This insurance issue really sucks. I need to reschedule my eye doctor appointment, my intake therapist appointment, order / pick up all my meds, reschedule my ENT appointment, and who knows what else. I check every day and still no checks being cashed. Chino and the Family stopped by Saturday night, mainly so Chino could call and arrange pickup times for customers. We have a few good days scheduled.

And then Staci sent me a text…Hey my grandma and I are going to granite city for brunch tomorrow if you want to come, she asked me to ask you.

I know it is her birthday, but I am still working on this forgiveness thing. I think she is one of two people that I still have the hardest time even thinking about forgiveness. But, Staci asked me and that is more important than me being a brat. I know Staci has always been in the middle and I don't like upsetting Staci. Then I think in the back of my mind, how can I judge Ruthanne, when I wasn't any better as a parent. 

Too be continued…

February 20, 2024

Staci flew back to Texas. Chino and I traveled to Iowa City, Muscatine and Columbus Junction. I hope Javi is happy with what we were able to do. I am still without insurance. Really hoping the checks clear today so I can get to the doctor and get my prescription. Javier didn't head back on Monday, he hopes to head back tonight, but we will see. I know I need a few things from the ranch.

And did I mention Staci is here... She flew in for her grandma's birthday. It is good to see her (and see her sober).

Okay... Lent items

• no ice cream - So tempting to cheat

• Journal - I have been a little behind. I normally type it into Note, then transfer it

• Limited phone - This hasn't been too hard. I can really see me continuing without games on my phone and using it less.

See y'all tomorrow

February 25, 2024

It has been a difficult / frustrating week. Staci got sick as soon as she got home and I am torn on helping her (even though she hasn't asked for help). I wish she lived closer and I could just go make her soup or something. It is a little hard since she lives 15 hours away. Chino and I did pickups everyday this week. Javier finally got home on Thursday, and has been very sick. Both Javier and Chino went to Wisconsin on Friday and I stayed home to rest. With everyone around me getting sick, I have been fighting a little cold. I know if I get a cold, I risk going to the hospital. My immune system is so sensitive. 

I finally got my insurance reinstated on the 22nd. I had so much to do once it was reinstated:

1. Get all my prescriptions from WalGreens and HyVee. I ended up ordering the Libra Sensor on Amazon because I don't have enough - especially since I lost my balance twice this week and the sensors broke. 

2. Reschedule Therapist

3. Reschedule ENT

4. Reschedule UIHC MRI

5. Reschedule UIHC Neurosurgery

6. Schedule IV treatment

7. Schedule Oncology Appt

8. Schedule Sleep Study

9. Schedule Physical Therapy

10. Submit everything to Mayo Clinic

11. Schedule Eye Appointment

12. Schedule Dentist

I am getting overwhelmed. I can't stand talking on the phone. Heck, I don't like ordering in the drive thru - my hearing is shot.  

My GodMother checks on me almost daily. It is comforting to have someone who cares. I'm not saying that nobody else cares, but she is special - she has chosen to care.

All month I have been avoiding my bills. Everything is on autopay, but I need to start getting stuff paid off. I was thinking of all the blessings He has given me, when it comes to my finances.

1. I was able to get my resitution paid in full - which also means that my record was expunged.

2. I was able to work with the IRS to settle my debt - i even have the lein release papers.

3. And this week - I was able to finish paying off my Iowa state taxes - I should get the lein release papers this week.

In total, that was about $100,000 !!! Now I need to put all my focus on paying my credit card debit. 

This coming week I have the sleep study, labs and IV treatment. Javier will head out on Monday again. He did say that if he doesn't feel better, he will go to the doctor before he leaves. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.